Friday, April 1, 2011

Flash Fiction Friday! Today I Made...

Today I Made...

March 23,

Dear Diary,

Screw everyone that said I needed a degree to be a scientist! I am beyond school, beyond mortality.

After years of horrendous failures, suffering the jibes of my peers, and being ridiculed by my own mother, I've finally, well almost finally, managed to splice two life forms together.

Admittedly, my last attempt at a snake/rat was a devastating blow. I think attaching two of the same ends was a bit of a blunder. The bigger mistake might have been using two heads and not two rears.

Image from
Apparently, rat and snake are species that are destined to hate each other. When they first came out of anesthesia, they were docile. They were even nuzzling their noses together. Then the drugs wore off and a whole hell of a lot of biting began. The two were only alive together for ten minutes when the snake end tried to eat the rat end but one cannot ingest oneself. It turned into an ouroboros of sorts, but instead of symbolizing something recreating itself (which would have thematically fit with my study and made my memoir literary enough to be picked by Oprah for her book club) it choked to death on its new half (not a good omen but one I am willing to ignore). I'm sad to say that even as a scientist, I found the whole thing disgusting.

That is all history, in the past, destined to be forgotten by everyone in the light of my new accomplishment. Today, I may have finally achieved my goal. I spliced together the head and torso of a tiger with the hind end of an alligator.

Do NOT ask where I got the bodies. Don't. I mean it. You don't want to know. Okay, I'll tell you. Let's just say the zoo does not have the best security, or at least not one that could stop me and my cunning plan. Okay, I slipped the guards a few hundred bucks a piece. It was for science, dammit. It was also an investment in my future. Who cares about my rent? Not me. I'm a genius.

The beastie is still resting, the drugs have not worn off yet. I'm feeling a bit tired myself so off to beddie bye for now. Ta-ta.

March 24,

Dear Diary,

I may have made a slight error in judgement when I combined two animals that were so big.

Image from papapishu
I slept through my alarm this morning and woke to the sound of loud growls. It seems our kitty was not pleased to find everything below its midsection replaced with scales and webbed claws. Kitty may have been grumpy, but the alligator part was unbearable. Without it's head, it seemed like the alligator-half forgot how to function. Is there anything more pathetic then seeing a mighty tiger pull itself forward with it's front paws while dragging two limp lizard legs behind it? The answer is no. And that kind of performance is not going to win me any grant money either. I lied earlier, I do care about my rent. I care very much. I don't want to be back out on the streets.

I gave our kitty a sedative. I want him to rest as the tissues finish connecting so he can move properly. I'm hoping to have him camera ready by the weekend.

March 25,

Dear Diary,

Those tissues are connected. There's no doubt about that. Don't mind the drops of blood I'm spilling. Got too close to kitty I'm afraid. I was being so careful of his claws I forgot all about the alligator tail. That thing packs a wallop.

Kitty is getting stronger. He hasn't quite figured out how to move gracefully with long legs in the front and short ones in the back, but he's a clever kitty and I'm sure he'll get it soon enough.

Now, for the important work. I've already called Oprah and Letterman and Ellen and a few others. Their people(s) thought I was a quack so I'm starting the old fashioned way, science journals. It'll increase my credibility and when those fools come knocking on my door, and they will, I'll make them beg to see kitty. Except Oprah. She gets a pass.

When the world finally sees what I've done, I'll be hailed as a genius. Man of the Century. All the “real” scientists with their fancy degrees will marvel at my creation!

Oh crap, kitty's growling. What sounds like a latch being unlatched? Uh-oh.



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